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hard to believe something is eating her from the inside.

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20160102_144905_resized_1So I wanted to just update… its a bit hard to wrap my head around even though I knew walking into it the worst case scenario, but I guess I hoped.. just hoped..  it could be a random fluke..

I took my girl down to the U of I on monday for a CT scan because shes been doing so amazing, a little part of me just couldn’t stand the idea that if the liver mass was the only thing hanging around that maybe I should just address it… but I knew going into it that there could be other masses as well as the biggest concern a heart mass, which was the “suspected” trigger of the pericardial effusion, but since the echo cardiogram(s) didnt show any mass, I had thought worst case its small.. Well after again a 13 hr day of travel and vet office of consulting and tests, the CT revealed that she DOES have a heart mass and TBH it looked huge on scan even though its 2 x3 cm (ish) in the right atrium. Mann thats actually kinda of big especially when you see it in proportion to the heart…I was a bit numb, as I knew a few weeks ago that was a possibility, but had really hoped it was smaller or she was a rare case of idiopathic effusion, being that the echo didnt pick it up, but I learned that apparently it could have been missed and according to onco at U of I the best person to look at a heart is ONLY a cardiologist because they have specifically learned the angles and views for this kind of thing, on one hand I was kinda madd it was missed… on the other.. it all happened as it should,  because if we had found the mass prior at the ER visit and her procedure would I have proceeded with surgery to do the pericardial window?… maybe, maybe not… would the surgeon have wanted to do it knowing?… maybe.. maybe not…. so in the end.. I still have my girl with me for as long as she decides she can stay with me.. and to say those words out loud in writing… welts my whole body!!!… So I guess in a twisted way.. Im glad they missed the mass, because it allowed me to just say…well its Neka,…. shes going to keep fighting…

(the only thing that is different is because the episodes happened in the car each time, shes now anxious in the car and gets worked up, Ive tried so many different things, food, sedatives, rescue remedy, but cant shake it, and she has gone everywhere with me her whole life, she still wants to go, but 15mn into car ride, shes all anxious, trembling, heavy panting… I feel bad, but also trying to stick to routine.. but dont want her to have a heart attack..(literally)..uug}.

If it was any other type of mass I would probably try to address it.. but being a hemangiosarcoma… nasty suckers….there is more risk than benefit not to mention that its not contained like in the spleen so its open, with leakage everywhere everytime the bleeding trickles…. I wish there were other treatments that could help shrink it or contain it.. but its all kind of non specific… I could try metronomic therapy.. but with both masses and her never trying it before (plus apparently onco said no sure proof it could help- not enough studies for this type of cancer).. would I risk her feeling crappy or getting worse?… on the other hand could she be in that wierd bracket that it does help and give us more quality time for life to live by controlling it longer?… there was another IV chemo.. i cant remember the name that I could try, but also no real results known.. Ill have to look it up again… but IDK how much success it has….

the hardest part of all of this is she is acting exactly the same as her self…bossy.. fun…loving… obnoxious… antsy… bored… cuddly…..lol… .  yet to know something is eating her insides and consequently shes a walking time bomb… because this type and placement will be quick without notice.. so to know shes here one minute and could vanish in the next… is really.. reallly hard for me to wrap my head around….and the fact that in all that shes gone through all the research Ive done… my hands are not tied.. TIED… to know.. and to have no options,.. nothing else to offer her.. uug.. mann thats hard to swallow….. of course Im doing the mushroom therapy and appocaps, since the mushroom has had more known results for this specific type.. Im a bit more aggressive with those doses..

Don’t get me wrong… Im being positive and feeling blessed that shes all herself and I know she doesn’t know whats going on so I keep on schedule and buy more steak..lol.. .. I definitely don’t want her to feel my feeling of failure… I know .. I know I did all I could… but still….sometimes I feel humanities carelessness fails those that had nothing to do with it… environmental toxins.. breeding… we need to learn to care for our earth.. because.. what you can’t see… WILL ultimately Kill you!!.. I know im being all harsh.. .but the wondering bitter mind…

enough of that!!.. more fun pics…

 

 

I do want to add thought.. that I dont regret one thing I did for her.. all 1000% worth it… and even missing the heart mass…. was for the best as I still have her and shes doing great and even if she wasn’t persevereing .. I gave her that chance.. I gave her the tools for her to fight with.. I can only supply the means the rest is in her….Only thing I think I would do if faced with this in the future Is have more ultrasound check ups.. I Kept checking the lungs.. but only a couple ultrasounds in 2yrs.. then I could fully monitor everything and all changes occurring early on.. especially since she was already susceptible to mets, even though these arent mets.. it would still have been a good diagnostic tool to monitor her….

 

 

 

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~ by neka03 on January 14, 2016 .



10 Responses to “hard to believe something is eating her from the inside.”

  1.   mom2shelby Says:

    All I can say is I am sooooo sorry. And my heart aches for you. We battled hemangioscaroma (it was our only cancer) and it was on the spleen and in her leg which we removed. It is a horrible and nasty cancer. I have no words of widsom but I can send love and support and let you know we are all here for you. And since Neka is acting like herself – let her guide you. Be in the moment with her. Enjoy those days … and may there be many!

    About the car – I know … Shelby LOVED the car. LOVED to go with me. Once she got sick, the car was no longer a place of enjoyment and it wasn’t the vet trips (oddly she loved going to the vet always)… I don’t know why but the car became a place of fear. We still took little trips in the car (mainly to get hamburgers) but most of our time was snuggling!

    Hugs and love to you!
    Alison with Spirit Shelby in her heart

    •   neka03 Says:

      thank you for your kind words.. interesting your girl also started disliking the car… I kept thinking because her original episodes of collapse were in the car and she was relating it.. IDK… my girl also loved going to the vet..lol.. she just loved people and anything that moved furry or otherwise..lol..I usually take her to one of my jobs with me which is why I kept that job, Im still taking her here and there because she looks at me when I leave like.. dude Im not going.. but then we get going and she gets stressed.. dammed if I do, dammed if I don’t
      . I guess its more rare for it to start on the liver as her spleen looked fine, I know it mets to the heart but uug.. but of course shes had all other rare positive things.. guess a rare negative one was awaiting in the midst… but this HSA… it kicks OSA butt by IDK what… such limiting options..
      thank you again.

  2.   jerry Says:

    There you are. Oh my gosh, I was so sorry to miss you in the chat last night. Please, if you ever want to talk, you have the helpline number right? 844-TRIPAWD.

    You must know, you ARE giving her more than meds can ever give, and that’s love love love and a quality of life that is unmatched for 99.9% of dogs in this world. Neka is spunky, and a fighter just like her momma, no doubt about that. You have done AMAZING things to help her fight that stupid cancer and even though the technology isn’t there to cure it, what is left after is a legacy that nothing can ever take away. It makes me so sad knowing where you guys are at, because you really have an amazing doggie there, but I am going to do my best to follow Neka’s lead and make the most of every single second right here, right now. I know you are doing it too, and perhaps when we all do, we can put an energy out there that will scare away that cancer for longer than anybody ever dreamed.

    Hugs, hugs and more hugs to you both. We are always here for you OK? xoxo

    •   neka03 Says:

      .. thank you.. she is so much my heart and soul..definitely taking every second (hard to go to work..uug, but Im lucky I have a flexible schedule)
      I think the hardest thing.. is despite her age.. shes not an aging dog.. shes not slow or worn out or sickly… not that one would want that.. but something about seeing a dog slow down and knowing shes getting older.. IDK seems somehow more accepting than this dog that acts waaaay younger than she is, and the only reason a horrible event will happen is because of this stupid “C”… So Ill be playing with her in the snow.. goofing off then just break into tears..(uug hate that) because its like OMG!!. then I get a grip and move on.. but its like IDK….ill use the word a onco at U of I told me … ” its just shitty”… I told her thank you for saying that.. thank you for actually acknowledging that.. instead of accepting it… its the little things that make you happy…lol…
      I know love is he best medicine.. but IDK… I dont feel done.. but IDK what else to do.. because theres nothing else I can do…(I dont think).
      Thanks for the kind words.. Ill keep posting pics of fun and smiles and “LIFE”
      as IVe been told.. its not the destination.. its the journey that matters… (even thought when your upset, you choke on that sometimes)

  3.   Darlene Says:

    Hey, Neka is so lucky to have you in her life. She is very pretty and looks like she is super content. I understand exactly your relationship with her. Not everyone is lucky enough to have had a dog in their life who just becomes a part of your soul. Who melts your heart every time you look into those loving eyes. As scary as your situation is try to just enjoy every minute you have with her and if in the end she goes quickly then that is what is meant to be and you can skip the awful task of deciding when it’s time. For as much as we sometimes have to make that decision and pray we are doing the right thing it is also at times haunting. I am sorry for your pain. Just remember you have done everything you possibly could and there is no right or wrong. I spent our last month making memories. Took lots of videos and photos and gave him so many kisses and hugs and snuggles. I just couldn’t get enough of him. Best wishes.

    •   neka03 Says:

      thank you..much appreciated notes.. I pray everyday… when/if it comes that it is fast.. that actually gives me comfort ….. sucks.. but Id take that anyday over the other… via my past experiences too…
      Ok enough morbid stuff..
      out to potty in the mudd..lol…. love the mudd!!!

  4.   benny55 Says:

    Okay, following Neka’s lead and jumping in line right behind Jerry and Alison!

    I’ve read your post several times. I hear you loud and clear. You are frustrated, disappointed, angry, uncertain, fearful, sad and just basically n pffed off at the whole situation! We get it!!

    But you know what resonated with me over and over? Neka is still Neka!!! She has none of the human thoughts that have been rambling around in your head! She sure as heck doesn’t feel like you’ve “failed” her! Kick that thought, and many of those other thoughts that distract you from being in the moment with Neka, kick ’em to the curb eight now!! That is NOT how eka sees this situation!

    All she wants is for you to be fully present with her and in a happy and empowered state. She wants you to let go of trying to “control” something that is not within us as humans to control! When we get to the point where we have done everyy humanly possible (Ive been there, Alison has been there, Rene has been there), we make peace with thar. We make peace because we must so thst we may be fully present with our beloved furbavies. We make peace because dogs like Neka are completely at peace and live their days with no fear, no regrets, no what ifs, no doubts, no u certainty. Neka lets go and just lives in a state of “knowing” that all is well.

    For some of us, no right or wrong, we no longer do tests, we no longer look for what ro do “next”, we just truly morph into becoming DOG. That is more freeing than you can ever imagine. Neka didn’t care what the “tests” showed. She is released from all the crap we deal with as humans.

    So yes, let’s all take Neka’s lead and follow her as she continues to enjoy the sun, the snow, the snuggles, being bossy, being obnoxious, having fun, being antsy, just being, trusting.

    Sending you so much love…so very much lpve!

    Sally and Alumni Happy Hannah and Merry Myrtle and Frankie too!

    •   neka03 Says:

      love how you always interpret deep into posts..
      TBH.. I think I was at peace prior to going down to the U of I.. I knew what to expect.. I only hoped for that rare moment.. since shes had so many of them.. I think I was at some peace the moment I agreed to the pericardial window.. knowing that she couldn’t make it home without it..yet always a chance she still wouldnt.. I think even though you know what to expect.. the affirmation is both disappointing as it is knowing…(if that makes sense)
      I just got on a sucky turn as I began to write…like the mind takes off….in all directions…
      but me and her..were good…!! I don’t feel anger as much as it may have been portrayed.. disappointing—hurt—heartbroken.. yes…but I throw it away and say a little thank you every morning that we both woke up…and then we move forward…Hoping for a blizzard for some more good snow for her… LOL… no more of this slippery ice crap…haa.
      Thanks again..
      PS yes… she has a magnificent face…she draws everyone in she meets.. ironically even those that are scared of dogs are drawn to her.. after they get past that shes a big girl..lol

  5.   benny55 Says:

    PS…LOVE THESE PICTURES! Neka is such a beautiful girl! She really is! I love the bo e structure of her magnificent face!

  6.   ohmynixon Says:

    Neka is beautiful and lovely. Your love for her is very powerful and shines through your writing. I’m not saying to be in denial but learning to let go and live in the now is going to be the hardest thing to do but the most rewarding thing you can ever get from this horrible disease.

    I’m so sorry to hear about the HSA diagnoses. I lost my Scottie to HSA too. With Nixon, I was always so wrapped up worrying about lung mets that it never occurred to me that I’d lose Nixon to something else – liver disease (most likely due to NSAID use) but we found out way too late to do anything about it.

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