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cant catch a break…

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So i sit here alone in a hotel next to the specialty hospital and all i can think is everyone here can relate.

My girl had another episode out of the blue this AM, right after we got to the stable, she hopped out of the car as normal, hopped into the barn and layed down as usual, I walked away like 30sec and I heard a wierd sound, but she does often create new sounds. I look and shes layed out stiff.. she had seizure.. A seizure…uug.. I checked her gums and they were turning white again.. Now to back track, ever since last fri I check her gums like so many times a day I forget. So I had just checked them in the AM and when we got out of the car.. It happened so quick..  I jumped in the car and rushed her out to the hospital.. And the same thing happened they had to drain her pericardium again. Our appointment with surgeon and onco is just tomorrow, couldnt we have just made it to the appointment.. I left her here for the day but said I would get a hotel close bye and wanted to pick her up late since Ill just be back in the AM at like 7:10am.. if she held stable.. So I picked her up and of course they wanted to keep her til morning, but I asked is she stable, her HR was normal , the pericardium has slight fluid in it but that happened last fri too.. she was walking poopin peeing.. So I took her.. well I get to the hotel like 10mn away and we get out of the car and she kind of plopps down.. not totally abnormal. i offerd her some dinner as it was kinda late and all of a sudden she stopped eating and I checked her gums ans she started to turn again… uug.. I thought maybe just nervous, started to walk her inside, then I carried her figuring she should conserve energy and not increase her HR.. well then she collapsed in teh elevator when I put her down to rest…. after all she is about 78#..

Rushed her back to ER and her pericardium.. had filled again.. they drained it and of course shes staying until the AM… She is totally exhausted now, but I did get kisses and tail wags, but she didnt seem to snap back as quick… yes, yes its my fault I took her but in my mind If she went in her sleep before the AM it was meant to be…But I sat there in the hotel lawn for a couple minutes debating to let her just slow herself and then slip away.. but she just keeps fighting, I even asked her “what do you want me to do, please tell me” Then she perks up and nose starts going because someone goes by… not that I felt that was an answer, just that she keeps wanting to stay..

So the question now is.. can she handle the surgery.. at least the pericardium surgery……will my surgeon, be realistic will he read her correctly from his medical side and from him reading her…NEKA!!..

7:00AM is sooo far away.. of course I can go early to visit with her…

I was talking to the tech who was assigned to her overnight and apparently she was here when she came in a week ago… she said she is just so cool.. she doenst act her age… she has such a “great spirit about her”… Im like yup..that is why I am having a hell of a time trying to figure out what to do. .. I could tell the 4th ER vet assigned to us did not seem optimistic… I get it….but when you look at her records…. really LOOK at her records….

I kind of know my options, but i know Ive repeated this.. do I do them.. do I just do the heart and leave the liver mass, or is that stupid.. do we just go all in.. or can I really control a 5cm mass with supplements… and just do the pericardial window to ease the heart thing since thats her immediate issue.. but the liver could burst….but..but but but but but but….

She keeps snapping back this is why its not so cut and dry…or maybe it is and I cant see it…

Dear God… please help me with this.. please be with your fur-child you so graciously let me care for.

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~ by neka03 on December 10, 2015 .

7 Responses to “cant catch a break…”

  1.   benny55 Says:

    Oh gosh, so sorry you are gping through this, so sorry.

    The agony of trying to make decisions that sre best for Neka is just so nard, heavy, so heavy. I feel it through your words. We understand.

    I can only be by your side, along with the whole tripawd community. I can only remind you Neka isn’t worried. I can only remind you how very much Neka knows she is loved and that your love is all that matters fo her.

    And as far as taking her with you last night. That is what Neka wanted too. Make no mistake about that. No harm was done. You were laser focused on her every move and got her back to the vet and they were able to drain the fluid.

    Sending you clarity, an inner peace and love.

    Sally and Alumni Happy Hannah and Merry Myrtle and Frankie too

  2.   jerry Says:

    My heart is heavy knowing that you are dealing with this, I cannot imagine and I so wish I could give you the answers. I’m so so sorry.

    First please please know that nothing you did or do is ever, ever the wrong action/choice/decision. You are doing your absolute, best that any human being possibly could. In our years of being a community, I can say that your dedication to her goes above and beyond the norm, your way of being such a great advocate for her and doing your research and weighing your options without doing anything hasty is just amazing, admirable and something we should all strive for. So please, whatever happens, know that it’s not because of anything you did.

    Neka is strong, indeed. And she is fighting like hell to be with you as long as she can. ER vets can be pessimists, only because they are typically newbies who haven’t seen the range of possibilities that can happen with different scenarios, especially when it comes to cancer, they are just so inexperienced with it. So do not let their attitude make you mad or sad or upset, just know that they don’t get it. Your oncology team is the best one to help you through any of this so consult with them as much as you can right now.

    We hope with all we’ve got that Neka can come through this strong and more glorious than ever. She is one amazing girl and you my friend, are one amazing mom. We love you both and have you in our hearts and thoughts. Keep us posted OK?

    •   neka03 Says:

      Thank you..she’s in right now..
      Anxiously awaiting opted for thoraco scopically for pericardium window..
      She perked up when we went out yo pee was able to stand snd hop around..until she starts to get pale again..via exurtion and heart can’t pump appropriatly..
      Was too hard to do the liver with was steep like 10k..ouch..Figure I gave her a chance with the window after how I saw her act the tech said..”omg she’s acting normal”..aside from fatigue..

      Thank you for the support..ssitting her since 7am CST..12 hours later I await her outcome..its all in her smd God’s hands now..

  3.   dobemom Says:

    So sorry this is so hard….I thnk all of us on this journey struggle with the dilemma of “WHAT AM I DOING? WHEN IS ENOUGH, ENOUGH?” I think you know deep in your heart how to answer this…Neka is a WARRIOR, and you have to honor that. She IS FIGHTING, and you have to fight with her. I strongly believe that Tripawd pawrents are a different breed; we do and experience what no other pet parent could ever imagine. What those parents would see as excessiveness in keeping a pet alive, we see as a no-brainer to help our friends. Our furkids are special, and they ARE warriors. I believe in my heart, that you WILL know when to say when…you know her better than anyone, especially more than some detached ER doc. We are praying so hard for you, harnessing all our tripawd powers. Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

    Paula and Nitro

  4.   Codie Rae Says:

    I am guessing you have already had or are currently in your appointments right now. Sending you peace and clarity to help with your decisions!

    For what it is worth at this point, as I understand it, in the I’M Yunity study, which was the one that showed delay in metastatic tumor growth and significantly longer average survival rates, all the dogs participating had already had splenectomies prior to the study. If it were me, and I opted for any of the surgeries (and my vets were optimistic about my dog being able to withstand them) I would be inclined to go all out at the start and do the window, remove the liver tumor, and remove the spleen. Then I would do the mushroom therapy (definitely the I’M Yunity and probably the K9 Immunity as well). Easy for me to say, right?

    I agree with the others, you have fought right alongside Neka through this whole journey and everything you have done for her has come from love. Whatever decision you make will be the right one because it will be as informed as possible and come from your heart.

    Hoping Neka is feeling better today and sending you both lots of love and hugs,

    Martha, Codie Rae, and the Oaktown Pack

    •   neka03 Says:

      thank you.. I did see this a bit late, but it was soo hard to decide… the surgeon was like its worth a shot, I can open her and look at the heart and if theres a mass we can let her go, not fair to wake her, if not I can move on to the liver and do the window, shed hav a full body incision.. I asked if I was asking too much of her he said he didnt think so.. but then oncology came in and had said that it would be really hard on her and they were kind of implying not to even do the thoroscopic approach, didnt say it but gave me all the grave grave statistics, you know like the way someone says leaning in one direction.. Which of course really caught me off guard.. I mean I get it…but ugg… So I had decided the thoroscopic approach.. 2 reasons.. the 2 applications would have been like the already ER like 10k.. and I kept thinking…even if he sees something whos to say we cant delay it with quality life.. so I could only do the thoroscopic approach.. and just ordered the IM yunnity and K9 immunity and appocaps and Yunnan baiyao..whew.. Im a walking liver mass just eat at me from time to time, but I had to do something…and this is all I could do… between last week and this surgery… I dropped alot.. so All i can hope is these supplements prevail and GOD helps us along…

  5.   benny55 Says:

    I see you’re signed in……I’m here……assuming you can ost without getting logged out…..just letting you know someone is up and here for you.

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